We all want our kids to grow up resilient, happy, fulfilled and feeling like they belong. Emotional regulation is a big part of this dream.
We all know someone who loses their cool over the smallest thing. We may know the person we tread lightly around because they are highly sensitive to any hint of criticism. These people may be wonderful people but can be hard to be completely comfortable around. They must also live in an incredible amount of stress, frustration or anger. Now it should be said that the ability to manage our emotions and not lose it, isn’t absolute. We all have moments of stress, extreme exhaustion, sickness etc that lowers our ability to pause and think before we act. But as long as this isn’t what happens all the time, its safe to say that overall you probably have pretty good self regulation.
Emotional Regulation is a Core Strength
Emotional Regulation is the second of the core strengths developed by Bruce Perry. These form the essential building blocks of a child’s development that are required for future wellness. New bubs are pretty much a clean slate when it comes to emotional regulation. But… they start learning immediately.
Although we will need to eventually learn to regulate emotions on our own (and know when to get help when we need it) we all start our learning journey through co-regulation. This is when our caregivers are tuned in to our needs as babies to help us through our feelings in order to feel safe and nurtured. It’s no wonder then that self regulation is tied to the security of our attachment to our primary caregiver. We need to be able to trust that our caregiver will be there supporting us to go out and explore the world. We need them to be there to welcome us back in when we need comfort. And we need them to provide boundaries in a bigger, stronger, wiser and kind way.
So it’s us as parents (or whoever happens to be the primary caregivers) that are the first and most important influences in the development of self regulation. No pressure eh?
So how can we help our kids off to a good start emotionally?
- Model good self regulation ourselves
- Calm tones and thoughtful responses over emotionally based impulsive reactions
- If you think this isn’t a strength of yours, don’t worry, it can be learned! Do some reading on emotional intelligence to make a start
- Work on connection to our kids
- Secure attachment is so important. If you have concerns in this area Some extra support in your parenting may be helpful. For example if you are overly worried or anxious when your child is away from you or out exploring the world. Perhaps you find it hard to provide comfort when they need or request it. Maybe find yourself being overly passive or authoritarian in your parenting style? We all tend to struggle in one area or another. Being aware of our struggles is the first step. For more information see here for my article on connection
- Talk about their feelings
- Label feelings for children so they can start to name the physical and emotional feelings they are experiencing. Try “I wonder if you are feeling sad” or “I think you are frustrated, what do you think?” Try not to tell then how they feel (you could be wrong) instead wonder or ask them?
- Talk about our feelings
- Nothing normalises feelings like parents showing theirs. It’s ok to cry in front of your child when the family dog dies. It’s important for kids to see that sadness and crying are a normal part of the experience of death. It will help them know what they feel is ok too. “Mummy is crying because I’m sad about brown not being here anymore”. This was a real life experience of mine from only a few months ago…I go all out when researching for a blog.
- A word of caution I put on this one is to be careful of not involving children in adult matters. Also make sure kids aren’t left feeling like they are powerless, responsible for your feelings or need to take care of you. If you are involved in a very distressing event, such as divorce or death of a loved one, these situations can bring up big, complex feelings that adults can struggle to deal effectively with. Part of our emotional regulation is also to be able to recognise when we need help and seek it out.
- Allow lots of space for free play
- There is a lot of evidence that pretend play contributes to emotional regulation. It provides a safe space for kids to try out feelings and new experiences without judgement or consequence.
- Provide kids with predictability and calm in their lives
- Kids need this to feel safe and with feeling safe comes the ability to learn and develop well.
Yep another example of the complexities and responsibility of parenting. The good news is, a lot of what is helping your child develop well, you are already doing without knowing it. So keep going, reflect on what is happening, work on what needs it and celebrate your successes. The fact that you are reading this, means you are doing your very best and want the best for your child.
References
http://www.klamathstopthehurt.org/assets/Six-Core-Strengths-For-Healthy-Brain-Development.pdf
http://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu/perch/resources/what-is-emotion-regulationsinfo-brief.pdf
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/icd.2038/abstract